Keys to a healthy marriage

On Friday evening my husband and I went to a seminar run by Care for the Family called, Marriage Unlocked. It was aimed at all marriages, new or old (or inbetween!)

We were pleasantly surprised to see about 200 people there, and a few who we knew too!

At the seminar the speakers, a couple who have been married for 25 years, gave us 6 keys to unlock an even better relationship. While I think we had worked most of these out for ourselves over the last 12 years, it was good to feel reassured that we are on the right track! The speakers were excellent, really approachable, and the talk was full of anecdotes from their own marriage.

Briefly, the six keys were as follows.

(1) Be the best of friends.
Make time for each other. Just yourselves. Don't just assume it's going to happen.
We make Friday or Saturday night our time for this. We rarely go out on a 'date' as such, but often just leave our dinner until the boys have gone to bed and then we have time to talk without the juice spills and the meat cutting and the sauce passing etc etc! Then we will watch a DVD or sit and read. Simple but so effective!

(2) Keep talking.
Talk to each other about everything and listen to each other too. A good listener will encourage someone else to talk.

(3) Argue well.
Here is where we have some ground to make up. According to the statistics the speakers gave, the average couple has 8 arguments a day! I think I would be exhausted if that was the case with us. Neither of us are really the argumentative types, and I can't say I remember us ever arguing. That's not to say we don't disagree on things. We just don't shout our point of view at the other.
Anyway, the three Rs of good arguing are; recognise your differences, respect each other and resolve the issue.

(4) Communicate Love.
There are 5 ways to communicate love.
Words, Presents, Time, Actions and Touch.
Not everyone appreciates being shown love each of these ways and so you need to work out which way your spouse likes.

(5) Build Intimacy.
Intimacy is an expression of your exclusive commitment and the best way of communicating your love.
And it is never, ever the way that Hollywood would portray it!

(6) Choose to love
Remember those vows you made on your wedding day. There are bound to be times when everything isn't plain sailing but that is no excuse to throw in the towel!

A strong, happy marriage doesn't just happen. It needs to be nurtured, almost like a plant I suppose. Put the effort in and the rewards will be great!



Gaelic word of the day:
posadh (paw-sagh) - marriage

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Courgettes, chocolate and dumpling.

Not altogether though!

I always like to have some baking done for the weekend in case we have any visitors in. Thursday is often when I do most of it but if we don't have too much on on a Saturday, I'll often make some more.

Todays baking was a mixture of the new and the old. I found a recipe in the latest BBC Good Food Magazine for Courgette & Lemon Cake so thought I'd try it out. I also made the chocolate cake from my very first post and a good old, traditional dumpling.

Now, my husband is a traditional kind of guy, and being a traditional kind of girl, that is the way I love him. We often joke that we were born in the wrong decade. We should have been living in the forties or fifties. I love all the elegant clothes the women wore then and love the whole emphasis on mums staying at home to cook, clean and, most importantly, look after the children. He too is a big fan of the feminine way of dress, the looking good for your husband and the looking after him after he has spent a hard day at the office.

When I first got married, one of my friends from University sent me an e-mail that has been doing the rounds on the internet, about rules for new wives, supposedly taken from a 1950s book. I wish I still had a copy of this, though I haven't searched online for it so it will be out there somewhere. It was meant as a joke and contained all the usual things like warming his slippers by the fire for him coming home and putting on a clean apron and a fresh slick of lipstick to meet him at the door. I found it amusing at the time too, but as time has gone on I have realised that so much of that IS helpful!

Too many women slip into bad habits. It's so easy to make excuses, especially with little ones to look after, about not having time to do your hair nice, put on a bit of make-up, or why bother with a nice outfit if the baby is going to be sick on it etc. I think there is a difference between vanity and simply wanting to look your best for the man you love. I'm not suggesting that I wear beautiful clothes every day but what I am saying is that I don't spend every day in baggy t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms. And yes, I do find myself putting on that fresh slick of lipstick when I know he is due in the door soon. And yes, I really do find that it makes a difference in our relationship.

And, going back to today's baking, my traditional man was not at all keen on the courgette cake, although I loved it. The good old fashioned dumpling was much more to his taste. And before anyone gets too witty, there are no similarities between me and the dumpling except for us both being traditional!!

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